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today i shall share a short story by the wonder that is dave! this can also be found on www.papscene.com features,storytime,etc along with two other fantastic classics *smiles in a convincing selling-things-to-kids-on -tv manner*
Story Time: The Day I Realised My Shoes Aren't Waterproof (a true story).
Stupid alarm goes off at half five. Time to get up and get ready for my stupid market job. I rolled out of bed and landed on my new Jesse James album. "Bollocks" I thought, as the case snapped in two. I stumbled downstairs and pressed random buttons until the burglar alarm stopped screaming at me. I began to wish alarms were never invented and briefly fantasised about tying the bloke who invented them to a massive alarm clock and setting it off every two minutes, while slapping him in the face. I smiled as I ate my Wheetos...
Out of the door I went at 6:20 wearing a thin t-shirt and a thin hoody with fingerless gloves. It turns out it was bloody freezing that morning. It also turns out I had locked myself out of the house when I left, meaning I couldn't go back for my lovely warm coat. "Bollocks Bollocks" I angrily whispered to myself.
Work that morning was fine, the highlight being when I overcharged somebody considerably for a mini-drill. It's amazing how being a complete bastard can cheer you up when it's very early on Saturday morning (after a night's drinking and too much pizza on Friday). I recommend it to anybody in a similar situation.
I trashed my Beaver-featured friend at snooker down at Pepper's then headed into town once again to get yet another free burger from the burger van, one of the many benefits of having worked there. Then that Monk bloke came up and started trying to tell me about his church he's raising money for. I made him promise to piss off if I gave him 5p. The silly boy accepted. He shouted guaranga a few times then away he merrily trotted to scrounge off some vulnerable young folk he spotted. I seriously think that guy is on drugs.
Back to the market stall I went for Job: Mark 2. Whoopee. I said howdy ho to the gaffer, and it decided to piss down with rain. As soon as I got to my job which involves OUTSIDE WORK it decides to bastard rain. I swore for a bit then walked round the stall in search of an empty crate. The tinyest puniest weeniest iccle puddle found its way under my left foot. My foot got very wet and very cold very quickly. I looked up to the sky, expecting to see the clouds laughing at me. While doing this I lost my footing a bit and my right foot went into a puddle of dinosaur proportions. "Cheers life" I said, as the clouds pointed at me, called me a foolish loser child and laughed their fluffy white tits off.
I realised a few things that day. One thing was that clouds can be cocky bastards. The other was that although £10 is what's usually called a bargain, don't be fooled by the sweet tasting price-related suck-in of a price. Avoid.
-dave armstrong
on a different note i have fixed my ipod!look at me go! ill blog more tomorrow!
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aww